Work has been brutally crazy. I new summer would be my busy season, but I did not expect the shitfest that has been job since June. As the snow fell yesterday I cheered and danced with the knowledge that many construction sites would start to shut down and not start up again until spring. I’m thrilled to be able to settle in and hopefully get some of the work done that has been piling up for months.
I’m still a chub. I “ran” the marathon and use the term loosely because I walked most of it. I guess I should say I “completed” the marathon. That is definitely closer to what I actually did. I didn’t love it. I didn’t drop an ounce of weight because of it which if I’m being honest, was the most disappointing part of the whole thing. I killed myself training for it and have barely run since. I think I did too much to fast and I need to just accept the fact that a runner I am not. Jogger, sure… skater definitely but I prefer the treadmill to outside, won’t jog without music and stop when I get tired… I prefer to do one minute jog, 3 minute walk… I enjoy my workout when I do that. So that’s what I will do.
Ringette has started and my feet ache on the ice, but I am attempting to work out 3-4 times a week and allowing a game to count as one of those times. I will be going to the gym today. No games until next week. I try to watch what I eat but I seem to be bouncing between the same 5 pounds that I have been for 3 years. I drop a few, I gain them back the next week. I drop I gain I drop I gain. I eat well all week, I eat like a horse on the weekend. I eat well all week and weekend, I gain. I eat McDonald’s twice in one week, I lose… I’m at a “give up” stage again… especially knowing that Christmas is coming and it’s going to be a frenzy of dinners, parties and merrymaking. What’s a girl to do? As I already said… “give up”.
Not forever, but for now. It’s typical of everyone who spends their life struggling with their weight. You get to a point where “fuck it” is all you can deal with. Last night I cooked chicken breasts with rice and carrots. It was healthy but my husband and daughter had to douse it in soya sauce and bbq sauce because of me and my “health food” as they put it. Coming from a guy who has eaten more than half of his daughters Halloween candy, I can’t expect much. He loves grease and sauce and sugar and is not a fan of veggies. So I try, but those damn mini chocolate bars beckon me.
That being said, I find to avoid snacking at night, I’ll go to bed at 8:30. Which is pretty sad. I will usually lay there and read or do a crossword, but my mind wanders to the cookies in the pantry and I need to turn out the light and go to sleep to forget about it. I’m sad. A sad pathetic overweight bulimic who forgets to purge… Ha… I’m really just being silly. I know I will always struggle. Partly because of never feeling good enough anyway, and partly because as I age, things don’t generally get firmer or better… so the battle is never going to be won or lost. Just always fought. If continually fighting it is the best I can do, then that’s what I’ll do.
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