If there is one thing I've learned in this life, it's that people are going to disappoint you. People you didn't think would, or could. People you didn't think had that power. Sooner or later, everyone will disappoint you. Your husband or wife, your kids or parents, siblings and dare I say it... even your very best friend.
It's amazing how age affects the way you deal with those disappointments. In my teens I would have cried for weeks and been crushed over a best friend hurting me. In my 20's I walked away. Now, in my late 30's I cried, then I thought about walking away, then I decided that forgiving someone who isn't perfect and made a bad choice is what is actually better for me. Anger dissipates, disapointment wanes... as we get older our friends, the really good ones, become part of our insides, part of our makeup. The loss of one of them is a much bigger deal than it was when I was in my 20's. My 20's where the most important thing (or so I thought) was the man who happened to me next to me at the time. Although I've always placed a high value on my friendships, I was still naive enough to think that I would be a little old lady with her husband, the most important relationship, by her side. Now I know differently. Yes I love my husband, but he's not my insides. He barely knows me. It will be my friends who I'm sitting in a nursing home with, playing cards and waxing each others lips. Look in any nursing home... how many couples do you see? It's a lovely fantasy, but as far as realism goes, it will just be another disappointment. Be good to your friends. Respect the lines, respect the relationship. And when your friend falls down, pick her up and dust her off. They will disappoint and maybe even piss you off... you'll get over it.
I won't lie, I feel different. My friend, the disappointer... she knocked me for a loop. I said I would forgive her and get over it, but it feels different now. Like trying to go back to holding hands after you've had sex. I don't know if it's possible. But I know who I am, and I know how I work. I've said my piece (and a mean piece at that) and that usually means I can get over it. It's when you never get to say your piece that you hang onto that anger. So I'm not angry anymore, but it is different. I guess it has to be. Hopefully not forever. Everything changes and I guess this does too. In 15 years we've never had quite this big a hill to climb. Or maybe we did, but we were holding hands climbing together. Now I don't want to hold her hand and although I've agreed to walk with her, I won't hold her hand for a little while. huh... makes it harder on both of us doesn't it?
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