Riu

I cannot stop yawning. I would like to say that it’s because of something to do with sleep, but really I think it’s because I did not have my super huge coffee this morning. We had a meeting at BH so they could meet the rat baby and after I dropped her off at daycare I was thirsty for something cold. It was already after 11 so it almost seemed too late and too warm for coffee. I had a slurpee. It was sooo good. I love slurpees. Yes they are high in sugar, but they aren’t as bad as a fancy coffee from Starbucks.

Anyway, I’ve been miraculously not very hungry… it’s either because I was sick on Friday and by sick I mean my stomach was doing evil things and I had liquid bowels and a sore bum. Or it’s because I know I have to spend next week in a bathing suit and my brain is starving me for my sanities sake.  Either way, the slurpee was good and not going to blow my day in any way. I am a little worried about the 5+ star all inclusive we are heading to on Saturday where I will have hoards of food and alcohol within reach at all times. I’m hoping I can keep it under control for most days and stay active enough with A that I can at least maintain my loss. I lost 1.8 when I went for my weigh in on Saturday. So I’m down 6.4 pounds since Jan 29^th. That’s 3 weeks so I guess it’s ok. Doesn’t sound like much does it? It is what it is.

Here are some pics of our resort... I can't wait!

I’ve been packing for weeks. Putting stuff in my suitcase, taking stuff out of my suitcase. Trying things on, putting them back in the “when I was thinner” pile of stuff. Trying to figure out what I need to bring for my 2 ½ year old to keep her entertained. Sure there is a pool and a beach, but she’s 2 ½, the beauty of that will last all of 17 seconds and then it will be time to do something else. Although I’m hoping we can spend a lot of time in the pool. With our spf 60 on. That being said, yesterday I went to Walmart and bought a travel art kit, some new books, a small paint set, sand toys and bubbles. That should take care of day one.  J  I’m hoping I can teach her to fetch bevvies for Grandma and I, but something tells me that would be inappropriate. We’ll see when we get there.

The battles in my own head

Today has been a stressful day. I’ve had extremely tight deadlines involving work that needs to be correct or I will make my boss look like an idiot on TV. I have two people in a committee I am on trying very hard to be nice, yet the undertones of hatred are shining through in their emails and I swear to god they are disagreeing just to make me have to choose a side. Everyone here who knows anything about what I do is on Holidays and all their phone calls are directed to me. So needless to say, I’m a little stressed and in need of a lovely glass of red and a bubble bath. And I am not a bubble bath kind of gal.

I managed to get to the gym and do an hour of weights which was good… I have Ringette tonight so I will get cardio then. I’m also going out for dinner tonight for my brudder in laws birthday and have pre planned what I will order in an attempt to keep things under control.  If I’m being honest I also ate my salad and orange for lunch and skipped the actual meal part of it in an attempt to save on calories. I’m trying to figure this out as I go. Everything I’ve read says “eat something small before you go so you’re not starving and don’t over do it”. Well pardon me but fuck off. If the problem was always being hungry then I get it, but what about the 98% of us fatties where that isn’t the problem? The problem is we want the baked lasagne and cheese toast and we want to eat it all. We can’t order it and sit back and eat half and push it away. We don’t stop because we are full… We eat the WHOLE enchilada. Literally. It’s not that we’re hungry and have to eat dessert, it’s that dessert is so flipping yummy and we want to stuff it in our faces and dip our head under the chocolate fountain. That’s where my self control lies on most days. Not in stopping when I’m full but in not making a pig of myself.  Now, I am confident that I am not only speaking for myself and I’m not only speaking for the fatties either. So that being said, it makes more sense for me to skip out on the calories I would have consumed at lunch so I can go ahead and not beat myself up about what I’m going to end up eating anyway. Which tonight will be birthday cake. What I’m never going to eat birthday cake again??

So will I be hungry when I get there? Yes, I will. Will I have a bun or piece of bread? Yes, I likely will. But I would have had it anyway so no point in crying about it. This is the  tough ‘me’, the I don’t care ‘me’, the I’ve never stuck my fingers down my throat out of pure guilt and hatred towards myself for something I’ve consumed in a fit of rage, boredom, fatigue, happiness, celebration or any other emotion ‘me’. I like her better than the ‘me’ who has done that. I don’t want her to ever show up in my bathroom again.

You see when you’ve struggled with your weight your entire life (well, since I was 13) there are a lot of truths that you can barely admit to yourself never mind someone else. It’s an amazing silent battle that goes on in your head and you always end up losing. “should I eat that”, “what if I eat that and then work out”, “I just finished eating so when is it acceptable to eat again”, “is that too fattening for a snack”, “why can’t I hate French fries”, “I know I only need one chocolate bar but if you get two their on sale” (and by the way, who “needs” a chocolate bar??). It never ends and it’s so stupid. I mean I am an intelligent University Educated, book smart, street smart, 37 year old logical woman. I KNOW how stupid it is. Why can’t I stop doing it? Why can’t it not be in my head all the time? Better question… why is it in my head all the time? Or even at all? My husband who is tall and thin, never worries about anything he sticks in his face, ever. I guess what I’m afraid of, is teaching it to my daughter. I don’t want her to be this way, it sucks and I don’t want it for her. But I don't want it for me too. I don’t want to hide who I am from her for fear she will end up like me. I want to be the person she looks up too. At least until she’s a teenager anyway.

Hmf. Tough one today.

Jeans weigh 2 pounds

Well, I managed to run 1 whole mile non stop today! May not sound like much but 1 month ago I wasn’t even working out… so Yay me!

It’s funny you know I was going to say that I’ve “used” asthma my whole life as an excuse to not be able to run. But now I know it’s more a case of asthma actually making it really difficult to run! I finished working out awhile ago, yet I’m still a little wheezy and feel like I could really use a good cough to clear away some lung butter. Gross? Yes, but it's my life.

It really is like breathing through a straw and therefore that much more difficult to do when you run… but obviously it’s something that you can work on to get better and better. At least I hope so, because when I do the “math” in my head… let’s see Feb 7^th 1 mile… mid June 13 miles… that gives me a little over 17 weeks to be able to run 12 more miles in a single run.  Let’s just say I have my doubts. That being said I do know I will be walking some parts of it, but I’d like to be able to run 10 miles. If I walk three and run ten, I would say that would be one of the top athletic successes of my life. Running a marathon has been on my bucket list for a long time. Why not now? Yes I should have done it in my 20’s when I was in better shape, thinner and had nothing but time, but I think it’s going to mean so much more to me now. Dear God, please help me get through it. If I die along the way, well… that would suck.

On Saturday I went for my weigh in. When I stepped on the scale and saw that the numbers went up I think my consultant could tell I was going to snap. She immediately said to me “why did you wear jeans?? You don’t usually wear jeans!” Now had she been lying and trying to save my ego I probably would have punched her. But she was right, I usually wear my ever so light no lining track pants for a weigh in. So I ripped my pants off and weighed in. It said I was down1.6 of a pound so I took 1.2 down to account for no pants at all. After all the working out and eating properly I could not take a plus number on the scale. I don’t care if I haven’t pooped in a week or what I’ve got on, I could not see a plus. I’m just glad I could keep my shirt on and the pants was enough. I know it’s supposed to be small amounts… the whole slow and steady wins the race. I know it didn’t take me 3 weeks to put this much weight on and it’s not going to take me 3 weeks to take it off. But goddamn it I will be damned if I’m going to do everything right and not get at least the satisfaction of the number going down. It’s all I’ve got. You would have ripped your pants off too.

This week I’m hoping to join M at Yoga. I didn’t get to my dvd on the weekend and I realize that it is much more fun playing car or horsey (anything where she can ride on me) with my rat baby than it is shooing her away to go play while I do downward dog in my living room. So I think I will have to actually leave the house to do it.  She may be a distraction, but she’s a fun distraction!!  

Sleeping with the Devil

Tonight I have a Soccer game and a Ringette game. I have smartly decided to not go to the gym today for fear that I will in fact, kill myself.  Which is not my goal. Although I am starting to wonder if secretly it is my goal, what with setting my first fitness goal at a half marathon.  Who does that? ME, that’s who. Go big or go home. Poop or get off the pot. When I say go, you say fight… but I digress.

At work this week I’ve been “thrown to the wolves” for lack of a better term. Everyone is either on holidays or had a heart “mishap” and is at home resting. Like that’s an excuse?? So anyway, with my whole 2 months of experience I am rocking the joint. Although I will admit I do spend some time hiding in my office behind this HUGE screen emailing with my friends. I seemed to have lost my focus along the way somewhere and don’t know how to get it back. Why is it so much easier for me to focus on my weight, flab and poop issues (or lack there of) rather than writing about policies for Construction Standards??? Gee, I wonder. It does sound rather boring doesn’t it?

So last night after an hour of struggling to get devil baby’s “big girl” bed together and telling her what a big girl she is and really playing it up, she ended up freaking out at actual bedtime and in bed with us anyway. Raise your eyebrows, think what you want, but I love having her in bed with me… We talk, we sing, we play with each other’s hair and we kiss and hug. My mom laughs and tells me to watch myself since she will be sleeping in bed with me until she’s 16. I say bring it on! First of all, if she even likes me at 16 I will be happy. Soon she’s going to think I’m a stupid controlling embarrassing parental until and not want to be anywhere around me. As my friend calls her teenage daughter “the hobbit” since getting her out of the basement is a big deal, I don’t think I have anything to worry about. I will take it now, while I can get it.

After all once you pop out those babies, that’s really what it’s all about isn’t it… that’s why we work our asses off and go without sleep. Because when she looks at me and says “I love you too mum”, well that’s what makes my world go round.

Darth Vador on a Treadmill

Well I ran again yesterday… I thought I did really well with going .75 of a mile without stopping and running a full mile and a half. Then a girl who was working out in the gym asked me if I knew about focusing and breathing because I was breathing so hard. Damn IPOD. I mumbled an excuse about having asthma… but now I know I need to get my breathing under control and maybe that will help with my endurance a bit.  That being said I brought my gym stuff home yesterday, in hindsight that was stupid, to wash it and forgot to bring gym stuff back. So no workout today. Maybe I will try and do my yoga dvd tonight after devil baby is in bed.

Went out for dinner with m & s in law last night. They are draining. I know they don’t mean to be, but they are… I ate ok, had a salad with grilled chicken and broccoli cheese soup for a treat… but was dying for something sweet on the way home so I had a chocolate banana pie from Mickeys. How do I justify these things I really don’t know… wasted a workout though didn’t I? I forgot my own damn mantra... POISON POISON POISON! 

I read an article a few weeks ago that said that overeating was as addictive as heroin. It was a really interesting read and actually helped me for a few days in saying 'no' to all the crap that I would noramlly not just fill my face with but actually crave. That being said I should have saved the article and taped it to my forehead because apparently I forgot it while I was stuffing a banana chocolate pie into my gullet.

So tomorrow I step on the scale. I hope it's a good loss. Although somehow I doubt I am down the 20 I was hoping to lose before Jamaica. No bikini for me. Oh well, who ever said life was going to be fair??

Miss E. Friend or Foe???

So I started running again. Haven’t run in?? Well, it would have been first or second year of University I think… so lets say at least 6 years… plus I had a baby in there. I’m trying really hard to lose weight and now E (friend of mine… or foe??) has me convinced I can actually run the ½ marathon. So I’m ‘training’ and I joined Jenny Craig awhile ago, but only just started taking it really seriously. Any diet works if you stick to it. This much I know. They also stop working when you stop following them. This too I know. But as much as it would be nice to have my large, yet tight athletic body back… what I really want is to be healthy enough to be around for Avery. When she’s 30 I don’t want to be a 65 year old burden on her.

So I get healthy.

The fact that the positive side effects are endless is a definite plus… but the fact that it’s so hard to lose and maintain is where the negative lies. Although the exercise I can do. Especially when I have access to a gym at work. I really think in the end, that’s what is going to save my life. That’s what it’s doing right? Prolonging a fit and healthy life, not wasting away a fat sick one? 

I want to say P is supportive. He’s not unsupportive but he really doesn’t notice anything. Since I’ve been doing the jc food for awhile now and not really lost anything substantial, I can’t really expect him to notice. That’s my own fault. But this past Saturday I was down 3.5lbs so I think I am finally going to be able to stick for awhile. Plus the motivations I now have, Jamaica on the 19^th for a week, a 10K run on May 14 and the half in June… well those are giving me great incentive to not just exercise but to try and drop some of this grossly excessive weight I am carrying around on this frame. No wonder my hip hurts. I’m carrying an extra 59 (well, 55.5 now) pounds that can’t be good for my joints. So it will be the best downward spiral of my life. Exercise, eat less… burn more calories from exercise, lose more weight from eating less and burning more and on and on.

So someone here told me to stop focusing on the BIG number and tell myself I have 5 pounds to lose. Just 5. That’s where I am at right now. I have 1.5 to lose to get down to that 5. That is manageable right? 55.5 is daunting and overwhelming… but 1.5… ha… I can do that no problem… lets see how her theory works. 

I also don’t want to just lose a bunch of weight and be a smaller version of my flabby self. I want to be fit again. I want to be able to play a shift on the ice and know I’ve skated hard and played well. Haven’t felt that in a long time. I want to get good at my new interest which is soccer which goes hand in hand with the running. And I want to get back into some form of yoga… even if its just once a week. Here comes the selfish superficial me… I want people to be envious of how good I look. Of my muscles and my toned arms and my ability to play a bunch of sports. And say things like “you’re 38??

NO WAY

!”  I guess we’ll see.