Today has been a stressful day. I’ve had extremely tight deadlines involving work that needs to be correct or I will make my boss look like an idiot on TV. I have two people in a committee I am on trying very hard to be nice, yet the undertones of hatred are shining through in their emails and I swear to god they are disagreeing just to make me have to choose a side. Everyone here who knows anything about what I do is on Holidays and all their phone calls are directed to me. So needless to say, I’m a little stressed and in need of a lovely glass of red and a bubble bath. And I am not a bubble bath kind of gal.
I managed to get to the gym and do an hour of weights which was good… I have Ringette tonight so I will get cardio then. I’m also going out for dinner tonight for my brudder in laws birthday and have pre planned what I will order in an attempt to keep things under control. If I’m being honest I also ate my salad and orange for lunch and skipped the actual meal part of it in an attempt to save on calories. I’m trying to figure this out as I go. Everything I’ve read says “eat something small before you go so you’re not starving and don’t over do it”. Well pardon me but fuck off. If the problem was always being hungry then I get it, but what about the 98% of us fatties where that isn’t the problem? The problem is we want the baked lasagne and cheese toast and we want to eat it all. We can’t order it and sit back and eat half and push it away. We don’t stop because we are full… We eat the WHOLE enchilada. Literally. It’s not that we’re hungry and have to eat dessert, it’s that dessert is so flipping yummy and we want to stuff it in our faces and dip our head under the chocolate fountain. That’s where my self control lies on most days. Not in stopping when I’m full but in not making a pig of myself. Now, I am confident that I am not only speaking for myself and I’m not only speaking for the fatties either. So that being said, it makes more sense for me to skip out on the calories I would have consumed at lunch so I can go ahead and not beat myself up about what I’m going to end up eating anyway. Which tonight will be birthday cake. What I’m never going to eat birthday cake again??
So will I be hungry when I get there? Yes, I will. Will I have a bun or piece of bread? Yes, I likely will. But I would have had it anyway so no point in crying about it. This is the tough ‘me’, the I don’t care ‘me’, the I’ve never stuck my fingers down my throat out of pure guilt and hatred towards myself for something I’ve consumed in a fit of rage, boredom, fatigue, happiness, celebration or any other emotion ‘me’. I like her better than the ‘me’ who has done that. I don’t want her to ever show up in my bathroom again.
You see when you’ve struggled with your weight your entire life (well, since I was 13) there are a lot of truths that you can barely admit to yourself never mind someone else. It’s an amazing silent battle that goes on in your head and you always end up losing. “should I eat that”, “what if I eat that and then work out”, “I just finished eating so when is it acceptable to eat again”, “is that too fattening for a snack”, “why can’t I hate French fries”, “I know I only need one chocolate bar but if you get two their on sale” (and by the way, who “needs” a chocolate bar??). It never ends and it’s so stupid. I mean I am an intelligent University Educated, book smart, street smart, 37 year old logical woman. I KNOW how stupid it is. Why can’t I stop doing it? Why can’t it not be in my head all the time? Better question… why is it in my head all the time? Or even at all? My husband who is tall and thin, never worries about anything he sticks in his face, ever. I guess what I’m afraid of, is teaching it to my daughter. I don’t want her to be this way, it sucks and I don’t want it for her. But I don't want it for me too. I don’t want to hide who I am from her for fear she will end up like me. I want to be the person she looks up too. At least until she’s a teenager anyway.
Hmf. Tough one today.
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